In order to allay any fears my previous post may have sparked, I did indeed reach school safely, with no accidents, and only killing it once at a light off the offramp of the freeway. I have driven a bit here at school, but freeway driving is much much easier.

I don't know that I've ever mentioned that I am a cribbage fanatic... I could play cribbage for hours straight. In fact, I really just did- my friend jordan and I went grocery shopping and then played four games of cribbage. He is admittedly a better player than I, I think, or else he was just lucky. He creamed me once, beat me by a very little 2 times, and I creamed him at the end. So it almost evens out.

I am turning into a procrastinator and that is driving me crazy. I have this big assignment due tomorrow...(it actually turned out smaller than I thought it would be though)... and I almost didn't start it til tonight. Then I realized I wanted to go shopping and hang out, so I worked on it this afternoon and finished it. I should be in bed, considering I worked all night last night on a take-home test that was due today, and bed is where I will soon head. I just feel like there's something profound brimming just below the surface, and I just can't grab it by the neck and pull it out. Sometimes when I keep typing it eventually comes out.

I stretched out on my bed earlier today to take a nap. I couldn't even close my eyes because all I could see were lists of things to do. A 6th grade boy played offertory on the piano at church on Sunday and he made a few very minor mistakes. They didn't bother me a bit, but I remembered back to when I played for church a lot. Every imperfection caused me to think that the whole was hopelessly flawed. It made me think about when I would lie awake in high school running through lists of things I needed to work on as soon as I got up on the morning. It made me remember when I would look in the mirror and see only imperfections. It made me remember how I used to clean my room at 2 am because I felt like I was letting things slide if I didn't.

I know I have written about this before, but it's a theme that I keep returning to in my mind as I think about who I am and who I am becoming. I know that perfection isn't demanded of me by anyone. I don't even really demand total perfection of myself, in part because I know it is impossible. I just see it all as hopelessly flawed. When I feel like I have no control over my life, I reach out and grasp the few straws I think are available to me. Because I am utterly convinced that I can do better, I am never fully satisfied with just enough. If I get a 93% on a test, I think about what I could have done differently to get a 98% or a 100%. If I just changed this about myself... if... if... if.

Being an optimist can be as much of a struggle as being a pessimist, don't you think? The change that needs to happen in my thinking is realizing that I can do no changing - it is God alone, in His time and in His pleasure. As soon as I say it and truly believe it, I stop exerting so much pressure on myself. And there is the secret.

I knew something was brewing.