Unsettled

I have been so moody these last 2 weeks, especially the last couple of days. I feel stir-crazy, I feel like I'm going to go nuts if I don't break out soon.

I'm not getting along very well with one of my flatmates, and I think that's a major cause of my dis-settlement. I'm not sure why, but she just seems to have a general dislike pointed my direction a lot of the time. My hunch would be that she's insecure, and therefore feels like she needs to pick apart the fact that I am mostly secure in myself.

I won't bother going into details, because it riles me up, to be honest. It makes me more frustrated with her, and I don't need that. I have moments where I NEED to vent, and I have a few people to whom I feel comfortable doing that, but I won't bother doing it publicly.

I'm definitely not faultless in the entire issue either, and that is eating me away. I said something tonight that I regret saying to her. It wasn't inherently bad, but the attitude behind what I said was wrong. There is no doubt in my mind that I am going to apologize when she gets home. She walked in, made a comment, I made my comment, she grabbed what she had come home for, walked out and slammed the door a little; and even though the fact that I said what I did was provoked by what she said, that doesn't justify that fact that I didn't have a Christ-like mindset as soon as she walked in the door.

This is evidence that I always have a hard time finding the line between being a doormat and being a loving servant of Jesus. She claims the name of Christ, but I have a difficult time seeing much fruit in her life. So, as the one who is probably "more mature" in the faith, I feel a heavy burden to be an example to her. Which makes me kick myself when I fail to show His grace in all things.

Some of her quirks have annoyed me since the beginning of the year, but for a long time I made a concerted effort to serve her in as many ways as I could, and I really did have a good heart in the middle of it. But in the past couple months, I have foolishly stopped looking for ways to love her that way (like doing her dishes), in part, perhaps, because she never did the same in return. But the frustrating thing to me is that when I started out, I wasn't LOOKING for a return. It was a gift of my time and energy, not paid-labor. I'm not sure when my mindset shifted, but I am striving to shift it back. It's ever so hard, though. I should spend more time in prayer for the power of God to change my heart, because that's what it's going to really take. I keep saying "It's only six more weeks, I can make it that long," when REALLY I should be saying "Shoot, it's only six more weeks, I only have six more weeks of opportunity to love her in every way I can find."

Oh man. I feel so very much better having written this out so specifically. I feel like I have a lot more direction in where I need to change and repent than I did when I started. Isn't God good? I should not forget how clearly I think when I write. It makes all the difference. I can already sense seeds of hope for change springing up in my heart. I hope she will forgive me for my smart-mouth comment earlier, but even if she doesn't, my gracious and forgiving God already has, so completely as to go to the cross in order to expiate that sin and become a dear Scapegoat in my place.

Arise! Onward, soldier!