Caffeine.. blessed caffeine. 'Tis the reason I am jittery and awake, and 'tis my own fault, truly.

I am homesick, and for what I am not sure I can pinpoint. I know that I miss my family immensely, but I do talk to my mom every day (at least once) and my dad every few days, at least. But there is something about home. I can make it through this week bravely, knowing that in a few short days I will be there.

I say "bravely" not because I am afraid of this week, but because it is the time of year for me to give up. O, if I can just hang on until the sun decides to make regular appearances! I wonder again if it wouldn't be wise to make a trip to the health center and rest beneath the sun-lamp and see if it makes a difference in my emotions and contentedness. I wish my personality wasn't affected by the hiding of my beloved sun, but I know that the dramatic difference I feel when it is bright outside could perhaps be attributed fully to the sunshine and hope of the coming summer.

I have realized how I hate making decisions. Allll decisions, really. I despise them! I don't like the unsettled feeling before the decision is made. This summer I was planning on going home and working in my dream job from last summer, but the company is struggling... so that option is sort of looking bleak. The other option was to work in a speech clinic, but that isn't working out so well either. The final option was to accept the offer to be a summer RA and stay here over the summer.

The prospect of staying here was always appealing - Bellingham is truly gorgeous in the summer. I could spend a lot of time kayaking... not taking classes... only working part time... READING at the park by the waterfront... I have a number of friends who will be here too, and I could probably spend every other week at home. I will have a car by then, Lord willing. It truly doesn't sound bad at ALL.

But now there are a few other prospects opening up... ones that are in my field of study that I need to investigate. I'd be back home for those probably. That's the huge benefit. But the only things drawing me home at all are my family, and my three friends, Jessica, Mandy, and Jackie. There's nothing at my church for me to really be involved with.

But I know mom will want me to take one of these other jobs if something turns up. It will be "better" for me, a good experience, good on a resume, better paying. But part of me has not only reconciled to staying here... part of me has started to REALLY want to. I live pretty frugally, so I don't need to make a LOT of money this summer, plus I get paid all year next year... would it be okay to do something I want to do...? *sigh*

Decisions.

Hopefully i didn't just bore you too much. There is no art in me tonight. :)