"After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible, is music."
Aldous Huxley

I need a Scab

Instead of diligently preparing for tomorrow, I find myself wandering aimlessly through websites and blogs. Perhaps it is a hangover of laziness from the long weekend that is creating this condition.
It was a lovely day today, full of slow and methodical working. I don't feel I accomplished much, but I am rested. Tomorrow life kicks back in again, full-swing with yet another midterm on Wednesday. I am beginning to feel unsettled about this one, and my very Being rebels against beginning afresh the process of staring endlessly at books and notes. I tried tonight, but it is as though my brain has gone on strike, leaving a note that says simply

"Enough with the studying!"

It's civil war against my perfectionism, I think.

I got a 4.0 last term, in every single class. Feel special for knowing that fact about me - it's not one I share with, well, anyone but my very closest friends. Rumors spread somehow anyways, and I have people I would never dream of telling saying to me "So is it true that you had a 4.0 cum GPA last quarter? At least that's what I heard..."

Funny thing is, I don't feel like I even worked that hard. I did work hard, but I could have worked so much harder. And I am this quarter, working so much harder. Now that I set that standard for myself, I feel like I need to meet it again. It's not that bad of a goal, I guess, to want to do the best I can, especially when so much is at stake - I am looking more and more forward into my possible future, and realizing the heavy burden of debt that will be on me if I don't continue doing well and applying for scholarships. I don't want to graduate and spend the rest of my life indebted to the government for my education. I would like to pay all that I owe off and be able to give freely and save wisely.

But I probably shouldn't pressure myself as much as I am. I know I'm going to pass my classes, even if I don't end up with a 4 point 0. Even if I don't graduate with a 3.87 GPA or higher... so what?! Really, even if I didn't pass my classes, I know God has it in His enormous hands, the very ones that created the oceans and hung the multitudes of stars that I admired as I walked outside on this clear and chilly night. What have I to fear? I have the grace and love of my Savior and I shall follow Him alone - not money nor success, nor men, nor my very own self.