I was thinking tonight, as I sat in the hot shower unwinding, about the differences between being interested in boys in high school and being interested in boys in college.

I am sure it is not this way for everyone, in fact, it's probably not this way for most people, but I realized that I no longer have one specific "crush" on any one boy like we all did when we were younger. It will not always stay this way. Probably part of my problem is that I am not SUPER close to any guys but am beginning all of these friendships that were mere acquaintances last year.

It is definitely the case that I find some boys more attractive than others for various reasons, but for the past couple years I have not specifically "liked" any guy I have met (minus a faraway friendship that pretty much ended in June... which I probably never really wrote about, eh? Long story of how God has worked in my life the past few months... but best saved for another time and day perhaps). Before these couple years, I liked the same guy for about 5 years. He never reciprocated, and I think that in ways that has caused me to keep things like that even more secretive than I did before. It's a defense mechanism.

This may be a neutral thing for now. Because there is no one pursuing me that I am aware of, I think I do this in part to guard my heart and keep it from getting pierced unintentionally by too many people. I hate that feeling of foolishness that I would feel in high school where I would admit to my friends that I was interested in one guy, only to find out a couple days later that he liked one of them or was dating someone completely different or whatever. I have weighed that decision time and again, and have usually decided that even when I *am* truly interested in someone... no knows it. THIS, I think, can be negative, because I am still working on how to indicate to a guy that I am interested in a deeper friendship.

I also think that I have a high potential to being oblivious to when guys may someday be interested in me, mainly because I pretty much have no experience with this scenario of being of interest to someone. I easily pick up when guys like OTHER girls, but always always assume they are not looking at me in any way.

There's really not a lot of value to this post as far as writing goes, but man, it feels good to write about it and just recognize these areas of my life that may need work. Of course... most of them aren't areas in which I can work right now... you can't work on recognizing when a guy is interested... until you have a guy interested, lol.

I'll just wait on Jesus. I don't want silly crushes that aren't glorifying to God or loving my husband. I don't want to waste my time pining away over someone who isn't being led to me. But I do want someone to be led to me, and I don't want to miss it if God does choose to have someone He is preparing for me.