It has been too long since updating. I haven't been able to do anything lately, really. I mean, I am doing LOTS of stuff, lots of things I love doing, but writing just hasn't been much of a priority for some reason. Maybe because I cannot decide in my head what to write. So I am going to take a half hour to just scribble whatever comes to mind and that will be that for now.

I think autumn should be officially deemed Table for Two season, at least for me. It seems that all single college students face and struggle with the issue of singleness, for some reason it seems to be intensified for me during the months of September through December. I'm trying so hard! I really do try to focus only on Christ, but to be honest, it's sometimes pure torture to be surrounded with Christian couples who are fun and cute and... not alone.

It is not that I find myself questioning my determination to wait on the Lord. I am always equally convinced that where I am is right and good, and that this is where God has me for His reason. This is a season where my trust and patience are being tried.

But sometimes it just hurts. "Notice me!" my heart cries. "Why don't you notice my grace and unfading beauty and love for Jesus?" But I know my heart should be crying out "Notice Jesus! See the great and glorious grace that has washed me clean!" And so much of the time, that is my cry. But there are times... times when the loneliness and doubt seem as big as the ocean is deep and it seems to wash over me and I can't tell what is pain and what is joy from learning the bittersweet lesson of refinement by fire.

And each time I think and pray and write about it, I am always drawn back to how God has proven His goodness and faithfulness to me in the past. I am living such a wonderful life right now, He has given me SO much that I can't even describe. I have a job I love, a "randomly assigned" Christian suitemate, good classes, a good brain to take those classes with, I am meeting TONS of new and great and fun people and finally feel like I can be myself regardless of the situation. I have parents that love and support me in every way, a mom with whom I am pretty much best friends, a daddy who I can run to with anything, and a Daddy who I can run to with all the rest.

So tonight, once again, I will climb onto His lap, and He will pry open my heart and I will whisper my secret trials and temptations into His ever-accessible ear.

My half hour is up.