I'm feeling a bit introspective tonight. I have just spent a couple hours reading some personal websites of strangers, and the more I read, the more drenched with thoughts I became.
I really ought to sleep, but when was the last time I let that affect my actions in the least?
I think I have spring fever. I think I have senioritis a couple years early. I think I have PMS. I think I am human and impatient and want my way and want it now. What a selfish jerk I am for so many things. I don't deserve one tiny thing the Lord has blessed me with, much less the huge things He has blessed me with.
I guess I can only sit along the side of this path, and cry out to God, once again. David Crowder's words match my heart best when he sings,

"Lord, I'm tired, so tired of walking...
and Lord, I'm so alone.
And Lord, the dark, it's creeping in, it's creeping up
to swallow me... I think I'll stop and rest here a while.

And this is all that I can say right now
I know it's not much
And this is all that I can give
That's my everything. "

Who am I when no one is watching? I am convinced right now that I am someone no one would want to know if they saw me in my realest realness. If they knew the areas I struggle in. If they saw how dirty I am. I don't want anyone to know my deepest, darkest sinful thoughts and deeds. I am so fallen, so depraved. So fallen. It is something I know... but sometimes when I really KNOW it... it is shameful and humbling and painful and scary. It makes me sick to think about how many times in a dayI look away from my precious and holy Lover.

But... He knows. He knows! He knows. I can't bear the thought that the only One against whom I have committed any crime, He knows. I demand to put my hand in His wounds in order to believe... I demand that I have my way, and that my life be about me and my desires.
I am a fool.
I despise this flesh that craves so much it shouldn't.
I despise it.
I wish I could conquer it once and for all for all eternity.

A friend IM'd me a verse from the Bible tonight. "Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders." (Deut. 33:12)
Despite all He knows, I am His beloved. I am His little girl, and He places me gently on His shoulders, regardless of the great and huge and impossible transgressions I have committed, and He tenderly loves me anyways. He will save me from myself. He will carry me through, and I feel His peace flowing through me once again.
Banging out thoughts always helps me to see. It forces me to look back and see His hand. It makes me praise Him for what He has done, and is doing, and will do. And I can see it all the better from up on His broad shoulders anyways.
Sarah